confidence+ rant

hmm..where i should start this.. ._.  oh well..

this is will be a long rant, but i need to write this to ease the all of the burden in my heart . feel free to skip if you want to.

yes, i do need help , especially encouragement and anything constructive. but seeing how massive and long journal is this , just ignore it if you want to ,i wont insist :>  

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well as you see, i'm not so productive lately in DA . i'm rarely submit some pics in my gallery even i draw a lot at holiday lol . even after passed climax like a hell semester in my college. 

after 6th semester, as scholar in my college, i have to do some job training for 2 months in order to gain experiences and  mark of course lol .  i plan to find place who fit with my interest. so i choose design studio . i enjoyed both art and design. but i choose design, since i lack of design and also concepting .

the problem starts here.

i see in my training place, all of people must be active . active in here that we have to good at talking and negotiating ,in order to impress our client. but somehow i feel shame to my self . i such a slowpoke and slow-minded person . i work really slow and  depends of my mood. once my mood was broke down, it's hard to do some work. not only that, since i ever hurt a lot in the past , like ostracize by whole high school mate for 3 years just because useless gossip , back stabbed by trustworthy people and also robbed , i kinda hard to trust people or trying to getting close with anyone. i know this is not good for my future if i keep this behavior . so don't surprise if you see me whether in chatroom, forum or whateva is dat as very silent people and sharp tongue .  but it's too hard to remove those bad memories from my head . 

my dad already retired from his job,  my mom & my brother work for our living . this won't long forever, i know that. i have to find work soon so i able to stand with my own feet and ease my parents burden since my previous workplace was hiatus and not sure will active anymore . what if they passed away when i'm still messy like this ?  i'm afraid of the future. 

quitting RP group? quitting pursuing my dream ?    i don't know, in other side i want to quit from everything , but in other side i can't. since both of my kids ( i called my original characters as my kids) has gave me a reason why i'm drawing this time , why i studied in visual communication design and went through all of hellish assignment . i don't want throw them easily. since they showed me what is true friend whom i despised of since high school, what is hardship , passion and  everything. i have a good friend who i wanted since long time ,and i don't want left them.  while i still have some commission or request debt as responsible artist.

time and work are scary, really scary 

but that's not my main problem. my problem is only confidence .

i feel so low to myself , i am lack of confidence . i feel that i'm not good enough as person yet to apply in design or art studio. i feel really intimidated with their works. and also everytime i made mistake, i feel so low and afraid.

if you tell me to practice and practice, well, another problem i already stated up there. time flows and never stop. practice needs time yet time is like a titan  who will chase and eat me alive for now. i'm trapped in a very small place and every wall i face is a big problem. 

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and thank you for everyone who stop on my page, taking your time to browse my gallery, or taking your time to read or even comment to this stupid rant of mine. and i'm sorry if i late replying your comment and message  
I love you all 

and thank you

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maaf banget kalo bakalan kecewa yg uda nungguin kenapa nda kelar2  

seriously i really need refreshment right now